As a narrative, you have done a great job of telling a
short story in chronological order. The story even contains a conflict (the spilling of
the drinks), which is great. You also make great use of transition words (at first, a
few minutes later, fortunately). There are several mechanical mistakes. Keep in mind
that you must capitalize the pronoun "I" (always), and keep your verb tense consistent.
I think it is easiest to tell stories in the past tense. Take a look your paragraph
without any mechanical mistakes:
The Horribe Day
It
was a horrible day. I went to my friend's party in the park with my little sister. We
were having a lot of fun when all of sudden, my sister poured all the drinks on the
ground. At first, I got shook up and I felt frustrated. I went to my sister and
started to blame her. I left the party because I was so angry. We realized that my
sister is a little child. A few minutes later, I felt guilty, so I went back to the
party. In the end, my friend said to me it was okay not to be
upset.
Fortunately, my friend understood the
situation.
Now, though this
story is chronologically accurate and reads pretty well, it lacks details. You have the
events of the party written down in order but it looks a little bit like a list. The
assignment directs you to "use your imagination." This means, feel free to add some
extras. Maybe describe more about the party and how you felt when you first arrived
(this will help show the difference when you get upset with your sister). I might even
suggest you go ahead and give the other characters names instead of just "my sister" and
"my friend." This will allow your audience to make a more personal connection with
them. Also, to expand it even further, you might try to read a one or two sentences at
a time and ask, "Why?" This will help you add background information and interesting
details.
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